Scattered

I've had too much caffeine.  I stare at the empty venti mocha frappacino and wonder how something so wonderful can make me feel like I am trapped behind a red light hurrying on my way to somewhere.  

  I have trouble figuring out what to do when I do not have to work.  I was reading my diary last night that I kept from 1992-1999 with many gaps inbetween and I realized that indolence has been a self-imposed curse since forever.  I just realized, right here, right now, that the other curse that goes hand in hand with the habitual laziness is indecision.  I have lived my entire life in a reactive state.  The examples, which I will fill in here later, are countless.  The decisions that have governed my destiny for the most part were made by not making a decision and "they" say that that is almost always the wrong decision.  

  I am fairly certain that this is the main reason why the woman who I loved more than anyone chose to leave me.  We were together for two years and at the very onset of our relationship she saw that I had no job, was not in school, and seemingly had no direction.  It was cause for a revamping of everything, I shaved my beard, cut my hair,  got an internship, found a job, and was well on my way to something, to getting somewhere.  I don't know where I lost my way.  The next step was obvious, get a job in my field.  There is a plethora of online job sites, it should have been easy enough to find something that suited my skills...but I remained where I was.  I remain where I am.  

  I am at a loss as to what to put here.  There are a variety of things I would like to sort through, such as: she probably would have left me anyway.  Let's say I got a job at a newspaper making $30K a year to start out.  There were other things about me of which are undoubtedly adding to her reasoning to go.  I am not the most moral person.  I once got drunk and ripped a painting off a wall at a bar and put it in my car to give to Ryan who admired it.  I am not the most responsible person (though I am unquestionably good with my money).  Upon getting suspended for a week from work, I chose to take off with two friends to San Diego (this was a great decision, and unlike the one to jack the painting, I wouldn't take it back for anything).  I drink too much.  At least one everyday, sometimes a lot more.  These are all additions to her resolution to peace out.  

  Some serious soul-searching is needed here.  I am content where I am, but I want to have a better future.  One with insurance, a house, wife, dog, children, and week long vacations.  So let's start here.  Maybe just seeing some things about myself will help me realize and change for the better.